Harry Potter and The Year That Wouldn't Quit
by Fresh C
Summary: In his search for love, acceptance, and independance Harry Potter accidentally stumbles across the Horcruxs and tries to find a way to defeat The Ultimate in Evil: Voldemort. Contains High levels of stupidity with a slight chance of humor.
1. Ron Represents

**Ron Represents**

**or**

**The Power of Mom**

Number 4, Privet Drive is not the type of place that made outsiders feel at home. This is especially true for people that were slightly abnormal. The inhabitants of Privet Drive (i.e. the Dursleys) made sure that "abnormal" people felt as little welcome as possible. So I take this time to personally advise the following people to stay away: the handicapped, midgets, circus performers, people with a unibrow, and last but not least, Michael Jackson.

However, there were three very abnormal people living in Privet Drive who could not have felt more at home. Their names were Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger and this is their tale. (While it is really not all of their tales, it's more Harry's tale than anyone else's. Who really cares about the "best friends" anyways?)

Harry potter sat on his four-poster bed looking out of the window feeling depressed. It would be his birthday in mere hours and he would finally be able to leave Privet Drive forever. He hated this place with a passion, and couldn't wait to leave, even if the door did hit him on the way out. His friends, however, did not seem to hold the same level of contempt, nor the same desire to leave.

From the moment Ron Weasley set foot in the house he had become somewhat of a king among men. Once the Dursleys had seen that Harry had brought company for his last summer stay, they had protested immediately.

"They're staying and that's that!" yelled Harry defiantly.

"I will not have anymore crazies living under my roof!" yelled a purple faced Uncle Vernon. "and there's nothing you lot can do about it!"

Ron smiled wickedly and pulled out his wand.

"Mr. Dursley, there is plenty we can do about it," he said mischievously.

Dudley Dursley, who had been cowering behind his porky father, whimpered with fear.

"B-but you can't use _that_ outside of your bloody school!"

"I'm of legal age now so I can do whatever I please."

And with no further words he pointed his wand at a teapot and blew it to smithereens. He then pointed his wand again and the teapot repaired itself.

"Now imagine that you are that teapot, Mr. Dursley," said Ron still grinning from ear to ear.

Needless to say, the Dursleys had few objections to Harry having houseguest after Ron's little display. With the dispute settled Ron relaxed in the comfort of the Dursley's living room and bewitched the radio to play Weasley Is My King (the Gryffindor Version of course). However he could not turn it off for hours and the song began to grate on everyone's nerves. At least until Ron begged Hermione to remove the spell.

From that moment on Ron was on what some may call a bit of a "power trip". He helped himself to all the food and conveniences of the Dursley's home, and made use of all their electronic devices. He even learned how to use the Internet where he communicated with his new friends gangster4life and LilShoRty247. Despite his "power trip" and his newfound friendships, Ron was still bothered by the depressed state of his friend.

(**A/N** :Ghetto to English translations in brackets)

"What up H-Dizzle?" What's wrong Harry? asked Ron concernedly. "Why you bes lookin' like somebody done capped yo mama?" Why do you look so down in the dumps?

"You wouldn't understand Ron," said Harry glumly.

"Harry, you my number one player. If anybody bes understandin' it bes me." Harry, you are my best friend. If anybody understands you, it's me.

Harry was touched by his friend's desire to help him, but he still didn't want to trouble him with his burdens.

"Well it's really a lot of stuff… it could take a while to explain."

"If yous gots the rhyme I gots the time." I've got plenty of time on my hands. I'd be happy to listen to your problems.

"Yeah," said Hermione. "You know we're both here for you, Harry." Both Ron and Harry ignored her.

"Well it's like this," said Harry finally giving in to his friends offer to listen. "We've been stuck here all summer and Voldemort has been wreaking havoc on the wizarding world. I mean he killed all the insignificant characters, besides Neville and Luna."

Harry took a pause in which they could honor the loss of the dead… which really wasn't much of a loss at all.

Ron popped open a bottle of butter beer.

"One for me," he said as he took a sip of his beverage. He then poured a small amount on the carpet. "and one for my hommies."

He then took two more sips and said "two for me." Again he poured a small amount of liquid on the floor and said, "two for my hommies."

"Ron," said Hermione reproachfully. "You've been getting a lot more than your hommies."

"Yeah," said Harry angrily. "and you're messing up my carpet!"

"Sorry dog, won't happen again," said Ron as he used a spell to cleam up the mess. "you can continue what you were saying." No more of Ron's drink went to his hommies.

"Thank you. Tonight I finally get to leave this place for good, and we've already decided that we'd go to Bill and Fleur's wedding. (a prospect that doesn't please me because I shall have to see Ginny again and the angst could very well leave me emotionally scared for life. That is if I'm not already.) Then we said we'd go to Gordric's Hollow."

"Righ', righ'" Right, right.

"But my problem is where do we go after that? The only lead we have is a fake horcrux that doesn't do anything, but is quite pleasant to hold," said Harry exasperatedly as he stroked his phony horcrux like a pet of some sort. He had grown obsessively attached to the necklace and anything that resembled what he thought would be a horcrux. He had been secretly collecting and destroying all lockets, cups, and snakes that he came across and whenever he saw something that bore the Gryffindor or Ravenclaw crest, he would rend it asunder. His first act upon arriving at Privet Drive was to cut his own school robe into tiny pieces.

"I see what you mean Dog," said Ron sympathetically. "But you gots to understand, what bes gonna to happen is what bes gonna to happen. And wes gonna do and all we can do to be ready incase some serious mess goes down. Ya herd?" But you have to understand, whatever is going to happen will happen. All we can do is be ready for it. Right?

"You're right mate," said Harry. "I'm glad I talked to you and I'm glad you're my best friend."

"Fo' Shizzle," you know it! said Ron as the two friends hugged.

"And you know that I'll be there for you both whenever you need me," said Hermione encouragingly.

"That's nice," said Harry in a syrupy voice usually reserved for small children. He then turned his attention back to Ron and said, "it really does mean a lot knowing that you're there for me."

Hermione did not speak to neither of them until Harry's birthday, which luckily was only hours away.

The alarm clock on Harry's nightstand struck midnight and the trio knew it was time to leave Privet Drive for good. They held hands, clicked their heals three times and chanted "there's no place like the Burrow, there's no place like the Burrow, there's no place like the Burrow" and before they knew it they had apperated in the middle of the Weasley's living room.

Instantly they were brought into a bone cracking embraced by a concerned Mrs. Weasley.

"Oh my poor babies!" cried the disconsolate woman. "You all look so pale and skinny. I can't wait to get some proper feeding in you."

"We ain't need no food mama," We do not require feeding at this time, dear mother. said Ron in a deep gangster voice. "We cool." The food that we have already consumed shall suffice.

Mrs. Weasley recoiled in fear. It was extremely unlike her son to turn down food. Worse yet he was speaking in tongues. So faced with the possibility of having a possessed child she did what any mother would do in this situation. She totally freaked out. Using her wand, she bound Ron to a chair and gagged him. She then began to sprinkle holy water on his head while yelling, "the power of Christ compels you!" over and over again. Harry and Hermione tried to calm her down but she would not listen.

Awakened by the noise, Mr. Weasley came down to investigate.

"Molly, what is going on!" he cried franticly.

"Arthur, our son is possessed! I always knew something like this could happen, but never in my wildest dreams did I think it would happen to us!"

"Come now honey! There's got to be some logical explanation."

"There is Mr. Weasley," explained Hermione. "Ron was just speaking street. He's not possessed!"

A light bulb went on over Mr. Weasley's head. This was quite surprising since the Weasleys hadn't managed to pay their electric bill in over three years. But at the same time that this light bulb went on Mr. Weasley understood the situation.

"Molly the kid is just speaking slang," said Mr. Weasley calmly. But Molly wasn't having it. She continued her exorcism.

"Ronald, I know you're in there somewhere. Please speak to me!"

"How's he going to speak to you when you've got him gagged!" said Harry at the incredulity of it all.

"Listen Molly," said Mr. Weasley in an attempt to take control of the situation. "There is nothing wrong with Ron. He's just talking street. It's all the rage among the muggle kids. Nothing to worry about. It's just a phase."

Reluctantly Mrs. Weasley untied and un-gagged Ron.

"'Bout time ya'll suckas let me loose!" Golly-gee-wiz! I thought you would never untie me. said Ron in a huff.

"Now you listen here, Ronald Weasley," said Molly in a roar of furry. "I don't care what you call that heathen talk, but I will not have it spoken in this house!"

"Please woman! I ain't gots to listen to you! I is my _own_ man and I dos what I wants!" Don't make me laugh woman! I don't have to listen to you! I'm a grown man and I can do as I please!

As is the case with many tragedies, no one saw it coming. One moment Ron was glaring at his mother defiantly and the next he was rolling on the floor holding his broken jaw. No one actually saw the exchange of pain, but from the look of the damage, Mrs. Weasley had cast a deadly "Witch Slap" curse. Hermione quickly rushed to Ron's side to mend the wounds as everyone else stared at Mrs. Weasley in disbelief. She did not seem to be affected.

"I don't care what you say when you're out there in the world. You can speak your _road_ language or whatever the heck you want. But when you are in _my_ house you will speak proper English or you will have no jaw with which to speak at all!"

"Yes, ma'am" muttered Ron through his not-quite-fully-healed mouth.

After this tension filled dialogue was through, they all went into the kitchen where they had a small party to celebrate Harry's birthday. There was very little conversation and everyone threw anxious glances in Mrs. Weasley's direction. After the food was all gone everyone pitched in to clean up, without being asked. When the cleaning was done they silently went upstairs without a word spoken between them.

No one had any objections to anything else that Molly Weasley said that night.

**A/N:**First chapters are always a bit slow for me, but rest assured it will pick up. Like a fine wine my humor gets sweeter with age... or so I've been told... well no one actually told me. I sort of just assumed.


	2. The Things that Really Matter

**The Things That Really Matter**

**or**

**The Party of the Year**

Then next day everyone woke up early. They were all unsurprisingly well rested from last night's festivities.

"That was the worst birthday party I've ever had," said Harry remorsefully.

"That was the_only_ birthday party you'd ever had," said Hermione pointedly.

"Jeez, Harry!" said Ron humorously. "Why do you have to be so darn dramatic about everything?"

"Well why do you have to question everything I do?" asked Harry heatedly.

There was a brief pause in which Ron actually seemed to be thinking about the question. When he replied again there was a wistfull expression upon his face.

"It's not just you Harry… there's a lot of things I've been questioning ever since the start of this fic."

"What do you mean?" asked Hermione interestedly.

"Like why did we all sleep in the same room? How come no one has ever used the bathroom? Why haven't we seen Fleur, Bill, or Ginny since we got here? And why does the author feel the need to put in an adverb almost every time we say something?" asked Ron seriously.

"Ron," said Harry comfortingly. "You can't let these things bother you. It's all part of the fan fiction way. You'll either have to get used to it now, or go crazy by the 3rd chapter."

"He's right Ron," said Hermione… agreeingly. "This author is probably just some 45 year old man who dropped out of college because he didn't have what it takes to be an English major. I bet he works at a gas station and lives with his mom. Hate him or love him, you still have to deal with him. I mean he is our author after all." (A/N: I am not a 45-year-old man who lives with his mother. I'm a 43-year-old man… and Mother lives with me!)

"Yeah you're both right. Besides, I don't want to miss the 3rd chapter do to insanity. I hear that the actual plot is going to start in that one."

So, heartened by the prospect of an actual plot, the three amigos headed downstairs for breakfast. Ron didn't even mention the fact that they never changed into or out of bedclothes. When they reached the kitchen they were not at all surprised to see Bill and Fleur already sitting at the table, eating the delicious meal that Mrs. Weasley had prepared.

"Good morning, 'arry, Ronald, and 'ermione," said Fleur luxuriously. "Vit is vo lovely to vee you!"

"Morning Fleur," said the trio in unison while silently wondering what vit, vo and vee meant.

"Harry!" said Bill excitedly. "Just the man I wanted to see."

When Harry turned to get a serious look at Bill he inwardly flinched. While the injuries caused by the werewolf Greyback had "healed", they left nasty scars throughout the contours of his face.

"Hello Bill," said Harry as he inwardly cringed at the sight of Bill's face. "How's that half-werewolf thing working out?"

"Believe it or not, it's working out quite nicely. Sure I scare people a bit, but there are so many advantages to offset the disadvantages."

"Like what?" asked Harry in a genuinely interested tone.

"I'm glad you asked that Harry," said Bill with a smile that even penetrated his scars. "I never have to dress up for Holloween, I get all the free steaks I want (the guy who owns the local restaurant is terrified of me), and when someone annoys me… well let's just say you don't want to annoy me."

"I'll regret asking later… but what happens when someone annoys you?"

"It's nothing too bad really," said Bill conversationally."I justeat them."

"Don't worry though," said Bill as he saw the look of fear cross over Harry's face. "I don't just eat anyone. I only eat really annoying people. Like the mailman who's always late, or my overbearing boss, or **cough** Little Children."

"What was that last one?"

"My overbearing boss?"

"No! The one after that one!"

"I didn't say anything after that!"

"Yes you did! You said you eat little children!"

"I did not. That's Ridiculous. Horrible even!"

"You're the one who said it!"

"No I did not!" protested Bill. His eyes were flashing a dangerous yellow. "Don't make me angry Harry… you won't like me when I'm angry!"

Seeing that he was clearly in dangerous waters, Harry decided to change the subject.

"So what did you want to talk to me about anyway?"

Bill's eyes returned to their normal color (which I don't happen to know… let's say they're auburn. I like auburn…).

"Oh, that! I almost completely forgot. Well tomorrow I'm taking a wolf mate."

"You mean you're getting married," corrected Harry.

"Yes, that's what I said. And as such, today will be my last day as a bachelor. You see muggles have this custom that they follow on their last day as a bachelor."

"Yeah I've heard about it. They throw away everything that ever mattered to them and prepare to surrender their freedom to a woman who will never truly appreciate them. The same woman who said he had to get rid of all his posters and baseball cards and paint the house pink. Then twenty years down the line he's henpecked like there's no tomorrow. He finds himself holding his wife's purse in the supermarket and folding her undergarments, until one day she just gets sick of his spineless behind and kicks him to the curb. Then he's left with nothing but the clothes on his back… if he's lucky. It's a horrible custom really."

"That's not exactly what I meant. I was talking about the other custom. You know where the groom-to-be gets his freak on for the last time."

"Oh! You mean a bachelor party! Why didn't you just say so?" said Harry exasperatedly.

"I was going to, but then you gave that horrible speech about men who give up their masculinity. But that's neither here nor there. So will you throw my bachelor party for me?"

"Of course I will! I've never been to a real party… unless you count that horrible one last night. Did you have any idea what you want to do at the party?"

"Well I'm not sure really… I think it has something to do with some future plot device that will reveal itself before the end of the chapter. You never know how these things work out."

"Yeah…" was all Harry could say in response. "Speaking of plot devices, where's Ginny? I haven't seen her since I came here."

"She's closer than you think," said a silky smooth voice coming from behind Harry.

"Ginny!" cried Harry in mingled surprise and joy. "Where have you been all my life… I mean today and yesterday?"

"In my room preparing to meet you. It takes quite some time to get this beautiful. While my normal beauty would have been enough to strike you into a comma, I knew I could do better."

And in fact she was beautiful beyond belief. So beautiful, that I could never give it justice with a description. But just so I don't appear completely lazy I will say this: She was so beautiful that it hurt.

After Harry recovered from the pains of beauty, he got off the floor and began to eat his breakfast. He ate quickly in an attempt to avoid any actual conversations with his one time girlfriend. As soon as he was done he grabbed his best friend Ron and headed out to plan for the evening's events.

* * *

_One short apparation later…_

"Harry what are we doing here?" asked a man from beneath a hooded robe. "You know this place is dodgy! And that's putting it nicely."

"Quiet Ron! Do you want everyone to know who we are?" Harry was also well hidden in his full-length robe. "Besides, this is a respectable establishment. Why even Dumbledore used to come here. Merlin bless his soul."

"The Hog's Head is not a respectable establishment! I mean its mascot is a bloody butchered pig!" Ron paused a second, as if collecting his thoughts. "And don't get me started on the whole Merlin vs. God thing! We all know you want to say God so why don't you just do it?"

Harry opened his mouth to answer, but was saved. They had reached the doorway of the rough-and-tumble bar known as The Hog's Head. This was not their first time visiting this particular place of business. There had been many late night excursions in which the two of them had not left walking straight. But ever since the return of the dark lord this place had grown even tougher and rowdier. Violence here was a necessity and murder was not uncommon.

As our two heroes walked in, the bar was in a state of general calm. People were drinking quietly and having whispered conversations while keeping an eye out for anyone who may want to cause them harm.

"Listen Ron," said Harry knowingly. "In a place like this, there are certain rules you have to follow. A certain _code of conduct_ if you will. If you lay low and keep your head down we can get in, do what we have to do, and get out. Do you understand? Ron?"

Ron had heard about two words of Harry's small, prepared speech (the man had been going over it in his head ever since he had left the breakfast table). He knew how to handle himself and he didn't need Harry's advice. He walked up to the biggest and most dangerous looking wizard in the bar and pulled out his wand. Harry hung his head in shame.

"Listen you scum bag," said Ron loud enough so that the whole bar could hear. "because I'm only going to say this one time. I know your type. You think you're a big man around these parts. You think you've got something that all these other pathetic dopes around here can't handle."

At these words all the "patrons" of the bar looked quite furious. Ron, however, did not seem to notice and continued on with his speech.

"You take one look at me and think 'I could break that skinny kid in half'. But I'm telling you right now that you don't know who you're dealing with. I've seen things that could make grown men cry. I've been places that make this run down shack look like paradise. And I've killed men who make you look like Tinny Tim. So I'm going to ask you a question and you better give me the right answer or you'll wish you'd never been born. Do you understand me? Or was that too complicated for a low-down-dirty barfly to comprehend?"

The man looked Ron straight in the eyes, not even showing a trace of fear or any emotion for that matter. Then suddenly he spit on the ground and said, "Bite me, blood traitor!"

Without wand or warning, Ron threw a deadly punch at the man's temple, rendering him unconscious.

"Now I'm only going to ask nicely once," said Ron, addressing the whole bar with his wand ready. He was feeling quite confident and Harry had slowly joined him at his side. "Then things are going to get ugly. Where can I find the man who sells wizard's whisky?"

There was a long pause in which the whole bar was silent and then the bartender spoke.

"Do you mean the man who trades illegal drinks?"

"Yes," said Harry feeling the infectious rays of Ron's recent victory.

"The one who sells drinks so intoxicating that a sniff could get you drunk and a swallow will make you plastered?"

"That's the man."

The bartender began to wipe a dirty mug with a dirty rag.

"Well do you know him?" asked Harry in an annoyed tone.

"Yeah I know him alright."

"Well is he here?"

"Aye. The man is here in this very room."

"Well where is he?" Harry was beginning to get really ticked off now.

"He's lying right there on the floor, he is."

"Oh," was all Harry could say in response. He turned to face his friend. "Ron that's kinda bad, don't you think?"

"Yeah… I can't say I saw that one coming."

Silence fell between the two friends and the barreverted back to its usual state.

"So what do we do now?" asked Harry acidly. "You do seem to be the brains behind this operation."

"You're not helping! Anyways there's only one thing we can do."

He pointed his wand at the unconscious wizard and quietly muttered, "Ennervate".

The beaten man slowly rose to his feet and favored Ron with a most venomous look.

"I think we may have gotten off to a bad start," said Ron as he extended his hand to the man. "My name is Percy, Percy Weasley."

The whisky seller did not take his hand, but seeing a chance to earn some much needed cash he decided to play along. "They call me Blood Whiskey around these parts and I have no doubt that that is not your real name. A man who gives his name in a place like this is either a fool or a liar. By the looks of ya, I'd reckon you're both."

Ron would have knocked the man out again if Harry hadn't held him back.

"Cool it Ro-… I mean Percy," he muttered softly so that only Ron could hear. "We require this man's services. I suggest you refrain from any further violence until we are through."

Harry then turned to Blood Whiskey and began to make a deal.

"Listen Mr. Whiskey. I believe you have some goods that me and my partner here desire very much. I must say that your reputation is well known through out England, even in some muggle parts. Now I think we're all reasonable men here and we can come to an agreement that will leave everyone… satisfied."

"What do you propose Mr… your name seems to have excaped me."

"That's because I didn't give it, my good man," said Harry smoothly. He continued on without missing a beat. "I'd like to have three of your finest home-made brews. I believe that 20 galleons will cover that sufficiently."

"I've never sold a bottle for less than 40 my friend."

"That's highway robbery!" yelled Ron in outrage.

"Let me handle this," whispered Harry under his breath.

"Look, sir. I am not a man without understanding. I realize that you have a business to run and that such a business is not run cheep. However, I think that 60 galleons is a compromise that will work well for us all."

Blood Whiskey stroked his chin and appeared to be thinking about Harry's proposition. After a short while he spoke again.

"I like you kid. That is why you and your idiot friend here are still in one piece right now. So I'm willing to give you a… new customer discount. How does 70 galleons sound?"

"Deal," said Harry grudgingly and handed over the money. In actuality, he had been prepared to pay twice that amount.

Blood Whiskey then pulled three bottles out of his overcoat and handed them to Harry.

"Well if that's all gentlemen, I must be going. I've got a pounding headache to attend to." He gave a particularly nasty look at Ron.

"Not so fast Blood Whiskey!" said Ron. "If that is your real name."

"It isn't…" said Harry irritably as he placed his head in the palm of his hand.

"How do we know that this is really the famous whiskey we've heard so much about?"

"That is perhaps the stupidest thing you've said all day. There's only one way to know, and that's to try it."

Ron then took a bottle from Harry and opened it up. He carefully rose the opening to his nose and took a small whiff. He erupted in a series of coughs that left him breathless.

"That's the real stuff alright," he gasped as half the bar erupted in laughter.

Blood Whiskey turned to leave the bar. When he reached the door he turned around to face them once again.

"It was a pleasure doing business with you. Good day Mr. Weasley. Good day…" he looked steadily at Harry with an air of amusement. "Mr. Potter."

Every head in the bar turned to look at the two former Hogwarts students, their faces like open books. Some wore expressions of hate and scorn and many held faces of interest and fascination. But the face that surprised the boys the most was that of the bartender. His face shone of extreme constipation.

Harry looked him straight in the eyes and said, "You really are Dumbledore's brother, aren't you?"

The barkeep did not respond. Harry and Ron drew their hoods over their heads once more and walked out of the bar knowing in their hearts that theywere truelyuntouchable.

* * *

"Well that last scene was hardcore, dontcha think?" said Ron excitedly.

"Yes, yes, we all know how freaking awesome that was," said Harry impatiently. "But we've got more important things to talk about. Like how Blood Whiskey knew who I was."

"Well I figured that was pretty obvious. I mean with your scar and all. You might as well put a neon sign on your head or something."

"Thank you Ron, I feel much better about myself now." He let out a sigh. "Well at least we've got the most important key to throwing a bachelor party. But we need something else. Hmm… what else is there that men love that they'll have to give up when they're married… besides their dignity that is."

"Are you a dunce Harry?" asked Ron incredulously. He then said in a mocking tone. "'what else do men give up when they're married?' Blimey Harry I thought you were smart! We need women and lots of them!"

"I don't think Hermione would approve," said Harry seriously.

"What Hermione doesn't know won't hurt her."

"Yeah, but she's right behind you."

And in fact Hermione and Ginny had been walking no less than a step behind them during this whole conversation. Harry and Ron had stopped back at the Burrow 15 minutes ago to pick up the two girls. Ginny had been made Fleur's maid of honor and they figured it would be nice if they all shopped together."

"Oh right…" muttered Ron shamefully.

"I knew my brother wasn't the brightest crayon in the box," said Ginny as she shook her head. "But I didn't think he was down right stupid either."

"I think I just lost myfaith in men," said Hermione sadly as they walked along the not-so-busy streets of Diagon Alley.

The rest of the preparations for the Bill and Fleur's parties went quite smoothly. Both the men and the ladies were able to get everything they needed (including Ron's women) and set off to the pre-selected locations of their parties.

Later Harry and Ron blindfolded Bill and brought him to the location.

"Are we almost there?" asked Bill irritably.

"You'll see," said Harry in response.

"But we've been wandering around for hours. I'm starting to wonder if you two even know where we're going."

"Of course we know where we're going… we're just taking the scenic route!" said Ron. He was severely insulted by Bill's insinuations.

"That's it we're lost! I'm taking this blindfold off and going home!"

"Ok, you can take it off if you'd like," said Harry. "Especially since we're here."

Bill took off the blindfold and saw what looked like the most pathetic party he'd ever seen.

They were at the shrieking shack in Hogsmead Village. In the center of the room was a table on which three small dirty bottles sat. There were three women sitting at the table. All of them were middle aged, but at least they were somewhat attractive.

"This is the big party you were planning all day?" asked Bill in outrage. "I'd expect such lameness from Ron, but not you Harry."

"Hey!" yelled Ron indignantly.

"Look Bill. I promise you it'll be good. Just sit down and have a drink. You'll see."

Bill seemed hesitant at first, but since he had nothing better to do that night he sat down at the table next to one of the ladies. Harry and Ron took seats next to the other ladies and all three of them opened up a bottle of Blood Whiskey's finest. Bill took a whiff of the stuff and nearly passed out.

"What is this? Lighter fluid?"

"No," said Harry calmly. "It's really good stuff. Why don't you take a sip."

Bill raised the bottle slowly to his lips and reluctantly swallowed a small amount of liquid. From then on out the party didn't seem all that bad. In fact, it was the best party he'd ever had.

* * *

_four and a half hours later_

"Woooohoooo! That was the party of the year!" yelled Bill excitedly.

Harry shook his head vigorously in agreement. "Truer words have never been spoken!"

"I'm so drunk, I'm surprised I can walk!"

"Ron… you _aren't _walking. We started levitating you 20 minutes ago."

"Oh… well I'm so drunk, I'm surprised I can be levitated!"

"Amen to that!" said Bill, slurring every word.

"Yeah, it's a good thing I took your wands. You should never drink and apparate." Harry had chosen to be the designated apparater that evening, but once the party had gotten started even he was too wasted to apparate. The three of them decided that it would be best to just walk home.

"But seriously you guys," said Bill seriously. "Thank you. It means a lot to me. You see I never really had many friends. Most people thought I was too cool for them… and I was. This bachelor party means a lot to me, ya know? I finally got to do all the things I had missed growing up. But I'd trade them all in a second to be with Fleur."

"Yeah," said Harry bitterly. "And you will. You'll trade every last one of them… and for what? Some spicy redhead that could rock your world if you'd only let her. You'd be willing to trade your adventures and your dreams of killing your archenemy for a girl? I pity you man… I really do. Even if you've got a girl that makes Cho Chang seem like chopped liver."

"Uh right… are we still talking about Fleur? Anyways, you guys are still young. You don't know what it's like to have a fine woman. Maybe one day, you'll be lucky enough to experience it, and on that day you'll probably lose her forever."

"That's… the most tragic thing I've ever heard. You're really not too optimistic about our futures are you?" asked Harry, quite seriously.

"Oh sorry! I didn't mean to include Ron in that. I mean once you, Harry James Potter a.k.a. the freak with the scar, find a girl that you love more than life itself you'll lose her," corrected Bill.

"Well thanks… a guy throws you a great party and you predict a life of unhappiness for him."

"Hey, I call'em like I see'em. I'm so drunk I don't even remember how to lie."

"Amen to that!" yelled Ron excitedly before puking on a fire hydrant. "Wicked! I just tossed my cookies in mid-air!"

With those wise words, the three of them stumbled (and levitated) their way back to the Burrow. Harry in particular had learned a valuable lesson about living and being a man: Don't do either, if you can avoid it.


	3. A Bum and a Wedding

**A Bum and a Wedding**

Harry Potter woke up the next morning to the sound of a screaming woman. This sound however did not alarm Harry very much since he had woken up to a similar sound for the first eleven years of his life.

"-coming home drunk as a skunk! And on your own wedding day!" shrieked Mrs. Weasley at the poor slumping corps that was Bill Weasley.

"Could you keep your voice down mother!" pleaded Bill desperately. "I've got a headache that kills. Besides it was just a spot of fun before the big day."

"A spot of fun! Arthur found all three of you passed out in the garden last night! He had to levitate the lot of you in the house at the crack of dawn. Mind you this was all after he came home from an exhausting day at the office!"

"So now you're going to blame us for dad working late?" asked Ron indignantly.

"Don't you dare open your mouth Ronald Weasley! This is your fault for dragging your brother out the night before his wedding! I had high hopes for you ever since you became a prefect. I thought you'd make something of yourself, I thought you'd finally do something good in this world. Now imagine my surprise when you came home telling me you're not going back to school this year, talking your hoodlum language, getting drunk and sleeping in gardens!"

"A guy sleeps among the flowers one time and he can never live it down!" said Ron furiously. "Besides this whole thing was Harry's idea."

"I'm sorry Mrs. Weasley," said Harry timidly while shuffling his feet.

Mrs. Weasley turned to Harry very slowly in all her furry. She looked him squarely in his green eyes. Instantly her face softened.

"Oh it's quite alright Harry dear. After all boys will be boys. With a past like yours you should be allowed to have a little fun now and then." Mrs. Weasley then gave Harry a tight hug and turned to leave the room.

"Wait just one wand-flipping minute!" cried Ron in outrage causing Mrs. Weasley to turn around on the spot. "Harry hatches a plan to get Bill plastered the day before his wedding, buys illegal drinks, finds shady women, and keeps us out all night and Bill and I are the ones who get yelled at! Where's the justice in that? Why's he getting special treatment?"

Mrs. Weasley opened her mouth in protest but didn't get a single word out. Ron was clearly on a roll.

"You always say 'Harry's like family'. 'Harry's such a nice boy'. But you're so blinded by his 'greatness' that you can't even see the truth. Harry's been putting us all in mortal danger since the day we met him! If any of us, your actual children (he said these words quite acidly), tried to do the stuff he did, you'd beat us straight to an early grave. But you just coddle him like a baby. Let's face facts _Mum!_ Harry's not like family to you, he's like some little pet that can do no wrong. Or some expensive toy you're afraid to break!"

Mrs. Weasley's face bore close resemblance to that of Ron's when he had been "Witch Slapped" onto the floor. She stood in stunned silence for several minutes looking first at Ron, then at Bill, and finally stopped at Harry. She opened her mouth and spoke in a somber voice.

"Harry dear, breakfast is ready for you at the table. I already made you a plate and took extra care to get that maple syrup that you like. You do like your eggs scrambled don't you?"

"Did you even listen to a word Ron said?" asked Bill seriously.

"Don't you mouth off to me Bill Weasley! Go get dressed! You don't want to be late for your big day."

Ron and Bill stared at Mrs. Weasley with wide eyes. After a moment, Bill threw up his hands and went upstairs to get ready for the day he'd finally take his wolf-mate.

"Getting drunk the night before the wedding," she muttered to no one in particular. "I never thought I'd see the day."

Ron slowly shook his head and also began to get ready for the "Big Event".

* * *

_In the bride's dressing room 10 minutes before the ceremony..._

The crying of an overly attractive French girl could be heard throughout the room.

"It'll be okay," said Ginny soothingly. "It's your wedding day Fleur. You should be happy."

"How vould I ve vappy vhen I'm verrying a vonster!" cried Fleur Frenchly.

It was Hermione's turn to offer comfort.

"I'm not really sure what you said, but every girl gets a little cold feet at her wedding. It's only natural."

"Cold veet!" cried Fleur. "Zey are not cold, zey are frozen zolid!"

"Frozen salad?" mouthed Ginny behind Fleur's back.

Hermione pressed a finger to her lips indicating that it'd be a good idea that Ginny shut her trap.

"Listen Fleur. I know you're nervous but you've got to pull yourself together! There's a man out there that you love, gosh darn it! You'll live together, have kids together, and grow old and lose your teeth together! Don't you want that? Don't you want to be happy… and toothless?"

Fleur considered this between sobs.

"Ves you are right 'ermione. Bill has veen great and I can't let him down. But what if it doesn't vwork out? What if he gets bored and leaves me for some other woman?"

"Don't you see, Fleur," said Ginny reasonably. "Bill wouldn't leave you for some cheep floozy…because… well… there's no good way to say this… you are a cheep floozy. As cheep as they come."

Suddenly Fleur's face lightened up.

"Vou are right Vinny! Bill is not zat type of man! He loves me and I love him. Ve're going to get married!"

And she rushed out of the room towards the Burrow garden where the groom patiently awaited.

Ginny and Hermione, however, were in a slight state of shock caused by Fluer's rapid change of mood.

"Did she just call me Vinny?"

* * *

_In the Burrow Garden..._

"What is taking so long? She should be here by now!" Bill was pacing a whole into the garden floor.

"Calm down Bill," said Harry with that same air of coolness he had used when negotiating with Blood Whiskey. "She'll come. She loves you."

"Don't try to trick me with your air of coolness! She's going to leave me here at the alter, I'll be heart broken and scared for life, and I'll never find true love again!"

"Harry was right," said Ron. "You really are quite the optimist."

"Don't you laugh at me Ron! I've heard them all talking and whispering behind my back. She's too good for him. He's a monster. That's the man who ate my little boy!" Bill seemed to be quite upset. "A few guys even went as far as to make a bet about weather she'd show or not. Now it looks like Mundungus is up 50 galleons!"

"Come on Bill!" said Harry. "You're being paranoid. Those people are just jealous. And no one's betting behind your back. That'd just be low."

He scanned the audience once more for any sign of a floor length white dress. It seemed as if being the best man had made him almost as anxious as Bill. Luckily for both of them (and unluckily for those who made poor wagers) the bride had finally arrived.

"Look Bill, there she is. I told you she'd come."

"Crap!" said Ron under his breath as he slipped Harry 10 galleons behind Bill's back.

From there on out the ceremony went on normally. Most of you have been to a wedding so I'll just give you the highlights.

"I do," said Fluer.

"I do," said Bill.

Bill and Fluer kiss. Everyone cheers and throw rice (even though they can kill birds with that stuff). Death Eaters attack. Death Eaters give their congratulations to the bride and groom. Death Eaters are fought off. The wounded are hospitalized. The dead are buried. Someone's Uncle embarrasses them by getting drunk at the reception.

* * *

_Burrow Garden, Post-Reception..._

Harry and Ginny walked side by side, basking in the moonlight and in each other's company.

"It was a wonderful ceremony don't you think?" asked Ginny deciding to break the awkward yet somehow comfortable silence.

"Yeah, it really was. Bill and Fluer sure did look happy."

"I know. I couldn't help but cry. I hope you didn't see me. I always cry at weddings."

Harry gave Ginny an odd look.

"What do you mean you hope I didn't see you? I went to comfort you and you were crying all over me. Then you started kissing me blindly. Before I knew it you were straddling me and trying to-"

"Weddings are so happy. I just can't help but cry a bit. I want my wedding to be exactly like that one."

"Really? I mean between the drunken uncles and the bride nearly M.I.A. I figured the whole thing was a little crazy. By the way, I'm sorry about all that Death Eater attack business. I have a bad habit of taking my work home with me."

"You see!" said Ginny pointedly. "That's exactly what's wrong with you, Harry Potter. You can't see the big picture. A few things go wrong and you're ready to call it a disaster. You're not flexible."

"What do you mean not flexible? I can hold the splits for 17 minutes and 53 seconds!"

"Really?" asked Ginny in awe. "Where'd you learn to do that? Forget it. The point is you don't know how to accept things for what they are." She looked pointedly at him hoping desperately that talking and looking pointedly would finally get the point across.

"I see things as exactly what they are! You're a girl. The grass is green. Voldemort's evil. My broom goes fast. Do I need to say more?"

"No Harry," said Ginny heatedly, "because you don't get it at all. You have people who love you Harry. There are people who are willing _to die_ for you. And you're too selfish to accept their help. You think it's all you and nobody else. Has it ever occurred to you that someone might need to help you Harry. Someone might actually need to love you. That I need to be there by your side!"

"Actually the thought has crossed my mind a few times while I was in the shower. I kinda thought it was just the fumes from my shampoo going to my head… get it? Going to my head."

Tears were welling in Ginny's bright brown eyes.

"I pour my heart out to you and all you can do is crack shampoo jokes? I don't even know why I bother with you."

"Look," said Harry slowly. "I'm sorry Ginny. I just don't know how to handle these overly angst filled, dramatic, and emotional situations. What do you want from me?"

"You know what I want from you Harry."

Harry looked her dead in the eyes. His look showed such depth of emotion that the world around the two of them ceased to exist. There only was Harry and Ginny, like Adam and Eve before them. When Harry spoke, his words shook the very foundation of Ginny's soul.

"Could you refresh my memory?"

Ginny let out a sob.

"Please, take me with you Harry." Her voice sounded like that of a small child desperately pleading with their parents. It was sad. It was depressing. It was a little freaky, like something out of the exorcist. But most of all, it broke Harry's heart.

"I can't Ginny. I can't risk loosing you forever."

"But that's exactly what's going to happen. If you leave now Harry, we're finished. I love you Harry, but I can't wait for you."

"Don't do this Ginny… I love you!"

Ginny began to walk back towards the house tears now silently falling from her eyes.

"I'm not doing anything Harry. You're doing it to yourself."

With that she went back into the house and out of Harry's life.

Harry had finally found someone who he loved and now she was gone forever. He sat in the garden thinking on this for a long time. He cried, laughed hysterically, fell on the ground hugging himself in the fetal position, and went back to thinking. Three hours later he finally had a rational thought that summed up his feelings perfectly.

"I'm going to kill Bill!" he yelled loudly into the night.

* * *

There comes a point in every young man's life when he realizes that life isn't quite what he thought it would be. There comes an even more monumental point in a young man's life when he realizes that life will probably never be exactly what you want it to be. There comes an even more detrimental moment in every young man's life when he realizes that no matter how lazy the police are in your area, Murphy's law is well enforced.

Harry James Potter was at that point.

"Are you sure there's nothing here?" asked Harry to his two friends. He couldn't accept the fact that after all this planning and decision making nothing was there.

"We've been over this," said Hermione impatiently. "There is nothing here."

"Yes, I understand that completely... but are you absolutely, with out a doubt, 100 positive that there is nothing here."

"It's just a pile of rubbish, mate," said Ron as he gestured to the demolished remains of Godric's Hollow. "Why even the trash has been trashed."

"Don't you think I know that!" said Harry irritably. You'd probably be irritable too if your only clue as to how to save the world was lying in front of you in a heap of rubble.

"Then why'd you ask?" came a familiar voice from behind them.

"Potter team!" yelled Harry. "Formation Alpha!"

The trio quickly turned around, instantaneously whipping out their wands and preparing to strike.

"Ow!" yelled Neville Longbottom, who had been at the receiving end of the wands. Hermione's had poked him directly in the left eye. "What'd you do that for?"

"Oh sorry Neville!" cried Hermione. "I knew we should have practiced the Alpha formation more… Harry kept telling me over and over again that I was overextending. And look what I've done… oh woe is me!"

"It's alright," said Neville waving a dismissive hand. He'd been through much worse in his 17 years of life and he expected much more pain to come. "But, don't you think that last line was a little overdramatic?"

"Never mind that," said Ron in a voice that poorly imitated an old detective show. "I'll be asking the questions around here. See?"

"See what?"

"I'm asking the questions you filthy slob of a man."

Ron's assessment of Neville was not too far off from the truth. Neville Longbottom was not at his best these days. In short, he looked like someone had beaten him repeatedly with a wooden spatula, drug him through fresh compost, beaten him with a metal spatula, drug him through old compost, and slapped him around while calling him Sally, just for the fun of it.

"Shut up, Ron," said Hermione in quite normal tones. "What happened tpyou Neville and why are you here."

Neville took a deep breath.

"It's a long, sad story of love and heartache. Are you sure you want to hear it."

"With an introduction like that who could pass it up?" asked Harry eagerly awating the tale.

Neville had a misty look in his eyes. It was the look of the man who remembered a time, not long ago, when things made sense and his world was at peace. It was the purely romantic look of a man who simply remembered better days.

"I suppose it all started at the end of sixth year. Once again I had aided in the battle of good vs. evil and once again very few people really cared. Still I was proud of myself. I'd fought a good fight and never backed down. Sure I spent most of the time lying on the floor and crying for my grandmother, but before that I had been heroic.

With the death of our headmaster a heavy weight weighed upon my heart, as heavy weights often do. Yet my situation was lightened by the newly appreciated presence of an angle in my life. Yes I am referring to my flower, Luna Lovegood. We had both been alone for so long and I was beginning to lose hope that I'd ever find the one girl for me. But then she blew into my life like a grain of sad blows into one's eye on a windy day at the beach.

We had little in common, me being a plant geek and her being slightly insane. But one thing bound us together. She was sad and lonely. I was sad and lonely. But together, we were sad and lonely together. It was love at first sight."

Hermione arched an eyebrow.

"How could it be love at first sight? You've known each other for two years!"

"Well it was love at some odd number of sights. Anyways, we were made for each other. The first week of summer was bliss. Basking in the sun (of course I was sun burned horribly), hunting for snoracks (an invisible one bit my left pinky toe), and just relaxing in the comfort of each other's arms (I'm allergic to her perfume). It was the best week of my life.

But all good things must come to an end. The next weekend I invited her over to meet my granny. There something happened that changed my life forever… or at least for the remainder of the summer.

To make a longer story shorter, Gran disliked Luna. She disliked her a lot. Luna was upset at me for not standing up for her when she said that snoracks exist. She said that she was going off to Auror Academy and joining the war. When I didn't say I'd come too, she called me a spineless chicken and left without saying goodbye. When my grandmother found out I wasn't going to Auror Academy she called me a spineless chicken as well. She also beat me repeatedly with a wooden spatula, drug me through fresh compost, beat me with a metal spatula, drug me through old compost, and slapped me around while calling me Sally, just for the fun of it. Then to add insult to injury, she kicked me out of the house and disowned me.

I've been living in this pile of rubble ever since."

"And you smell like it," said Ron as tactfully as he could.

"I know." Neville hung his head in shame.

Hermione had an expression on her face, which clearly meant something was left unanswered.

"But why are you so against Auror Academy? I mean you took to the D.A. like a fish to water."

"I never want to be an Auror!" said Neville fiercely. "They're the ministries lapdogs, having no mind of their own. I've heard stories of Aurors being forced to kill innocent people. If they were to refuse they'd be killed themselves. My parents were good at it and look where it got them!"

"But Neville," cried Hermione. "You need training. We all do. Just look at our formation alpha! You think we can stand up to Death Eaters like that?"

"I don't care! As far as I'm concerned, I'd rather die than set foot in that place."

"But don't you want Luna back?" asked Ron.

"Not that much."

"Don't you want your grandmother's respect again?" asked Hermione.

"I've managed just fine without it."

Harry had listened to the conversation so far with a burning look in his eyes. He had something on his mind that few men will ever understand and no man should ever have to. If any of the others had bothered to look at him just then, they would have likely been scared out of their minds. When he finally spoke, his voice was quiet and unnaturally deep.

"Don't you want to kill that conniving witch who drove your parents insane?"

Neville's face instantly changed. He was no longer the clumsy yet loveable boy we've all grown to love and trip over. His face turned to that of a man ready to commit murder. He said two words, the only words that were truly needed.

"How far?"

"What?" asked the heroic trio. Apparently a few more words were needed after all.

"How far to the Auror Academy?"

And with that our heroes (plus Neville) headed to the Auror Academy to get some much-needed training and a much-needed shower.


	4. Back to School

**Back to School**

**or**

**The Trubles of Fine Print**

There is a quaint little town off the cost of Mexico where men and women delight in the cool of the ocean breeze. On a summer day like this one, the children frolic playfully up and down the beach while building sand castles and "not touching" each other. It is a Saturday and almost all work has ceased. The men have retired for the day to spend some quality time with their families. The women play with the young children while dinner still bakes in the oven. It is a quiet and happy life here.

It is also here that Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Neville stopped for breakfast burritos while waiting for the Auror Academy to open.

"You know," said Neville between sloppy bites. "This place ain't all that bad. A guy could get used to living under the warming sun, enjoying a breakfast burrito, and feeling the cooling gusts of the calming wind. Apparition sure is nice."

"You're right Neville," stated Harry. Then he paused. Everyone expected him to say something else and he expected someone else to say something. There was a silence that was filled with extreme awkwardness. Five minutes went by and Harry couldn't take it any longer.

"Uh… apparition is very nice… it is. I, uh, always wondered why people spend their whole lives living at home when they could travel the world like this. Look at Ron's parents for example."

"Don't bring my family into this, Potter!" said Ron with a defensive tone that can only be achieved through years of ridicule. After all, the Weasley family doesn't have the greatest reputation among the wizarding community of England.

There was a silence in which even more awkwardness occurred. Ron was staring heatedly at Harry. Neville and Hermione were staring nervously at Ron. Harry was staring nervously at a rock by Ron's shoe. The rock was existing nervously by Ron's shoe.

Not So Fantastic Beasts and What Scares the Crap Out of Them (unabridged) has this to say on that matter:

_The Mexican Screaming Rock is a unique and potentially boring beast. It lives it's long lifespan on jagged mountain ranges, on the coast of beaches, and more commonly on the ocean flour. It's exterior is a hard encasing shell that looks no different from regular rocks. It's interior is a gelatinous form that is remarkably similar to the human brain. Despite the long living nature of the Mexican Screaming Rock (MSR), it is not often that you will see one reach full maturity. The MSR is born into a life of immobility where its only means of transportation are the wave of the ocean and the wind. Its rock hard body protects it from potential predators. However, when moved rapidly the gelatinous interior collides into the tough exterior and often results in the death of the MSR. For this reason, Mexican Screaming Rocks fear careless humans who happen to be wearing shoes for it is very likely that they will be kicked. Humans are just naturally cruel like that._

Ron, in his anger, found himself in a very cruel mood. What better to take it out on than a rock? He wounded up for the kick and let her fly. His foot contacted with the rock and a blood curling scream ripped through the air as the helpless Mexican Screaming Rock was sent flying.

Once again there was a silence among the group. This time it was of a shocked nature. Everyone exchanged looks and suddenly burst out laughing.

"Who would have saw that coming?" asked Ron through bursts of laughter.

"I know!" said Harry. He was just happy to have the tension relieved.

Neville really had nothing to add, so he just nodded while smiling painfully. The rock had grazed his forehead as it flew off into the distance. Hermione was laughing falsely in an attempt to restrain herself from lecturing Ron about cruelty to animals. The quadruped (how else do you say group of four in one word?) apparated to the Ministry of Magic building feeling better than they had in a long time.

* * *

"I feel better than I have in a long time," said Harry as he walked into the Ministry of Magic building.

"I can't wait to begin training," chimed Neville with a fever in his eyes.

Ron and Hermione were staring at Neville with a look that may have indicated fear. Harry didn't seem to notice.

The quadruped walked up to the receptionist desk only to find that the receptionist was quite busy. The war had taken its toll on the old MoM and it was clear that things were moving pretty fast.

"Excuse me miss," said Harry kindly.

The receptionist ignored him.

"Can I ask a question?" The receptionist continued to ignore. "Where is the Auror Academy? Are you even listening? What do they pay you for anyways?"

The receptionist seemed more than a little ticked at Harry's questions and violently pointed at a sign posted on the desk entitled Auror Academy. On that sign it said the following:

_Has your life been hectic lately? Has the war got you down? Are you tired of those pesky Death Eaters trying to push you around? Fed up with sitting around while your friends and love ones suffer?_

_Then we've got the perfect solution for you! Join the Auror Academy!_

_Here at the Auror Academy, we'll train you into a one-wizard killing machine! You'll be able to amaze your friends with your marvelous butt kicking skills and have fun doing it!_

_But it's not all fun and games here at the AA. Through our expert teachings, you'll learn how to act correctly in stressful situations and to take control of your life. Still not convinced? Then read the following success stories!_

"_Before I joined the AA, I was a pathetic waste of flesh," says random bum we found off the streets. "I couldn't cast the simplest of defense spells. My wife left me for another man who she said was manlier than I could ever be and my oldest child spit on me and called me useless. But now that I'm a graduate of the Auror Academy my life has made a turn for the better. I can now cast some of the most advanced spells known to man. Even the beginnings of a patronus! Sure it still gets lonely at night, but at least now I have a clean place to sleep!"_

"_The AA is like a family to me," says a previous student. "By that I mean, the AA is vindictive and painfully manipulative, but in a loving way. Their brutal training tacticts turned me into the man I am today."_

"_Before I found the AA, my life had no meaning," says a mentally disturbed Auror. "I had no friends, no motivation, and no purpose. While I still haven't found any friends, The Auror Academy has finally given me a purpose in life: To end the purposeless lives of others."_

"_Free food with room and board? I'm in!" –Professional Hobo_

"_It didn't permanently scar me for life. Just temperarily" -AA drop out_

"_There are more painful experiences in this world, but not many" –AA graduate_

"_I finally found out what it's like to kill a man… haven't slept since" –Traumatized Insomniac_

_If these miraculous success stories still have not convinced you maybe the opinion of some popular figures in our society will._

"_I hate war… but I support our armies!" –Lead singer of the Weird Sisters_

"_The Auror Academy can have my autograph any day!" –Gilderoy Lockhart_

"_With the war looming heavily upon us it is important, now more than ever, for us to unite together and promote peace. In order to do that, we need more military power. That's why I support the Auror Academy" –Minister of Magic, Rufus Srimgeour._

_Are you very interested in the AA, but just don't think you qualify?_

_Well think again because the AA is ridiculously easy to get into. We're excepting anybody. You don't need to be pureblood! You don't even have to be half-blood! Heck, as long as you have the ability to hold a wand (or a wooden object that looks like one) **We Want YOU!** _

_So if you're looking to learn how to defend yourself or just need a cheep place to stay, the Auror Academy is the only way to save your day!_

The sign then scrolled down to give directions to the Academy accompanied with a small array of fine print.

"It scrolled on its own! It's like magic!" cried Neville to the embarrassment of everyone present.

_Students of the Auror Academy are required to serve 2 years of military service after graduation. During these years, students denounce all rights to freedom, justice, and all other such democratic concepts and principals. The Auror Academy does not promote senseless violence or killing, but at convenient times we're willing to look the other way. Food and housing is not free. A bill will be charged to you after your time at the academy is completed._

"The ministry's getting kind of desperate, don't you think?" asked Hermione quietly.

The four-o of teens looked at each other, shrugged, and began to walk towards the academy. When they reached the appropriate place, they spotted another desk with another receptionist stationed at it.

"Hello," said Harry politely. "Is this the place where you sign up for the Auror Academy?"

The receptionist said nothing.

"Why aren't you listening to me? You lazy sack of crap! I'm sick and tired of being ignored! I'm Harry freaking Potter! I've saved countless people's lives countless amounts of times, so when I want a little attention I think I have the right to get it! Especially when it's the person who I want attention from job to pay me some ever-loving attention!"

The receptionist pointed to a pile of papers on the desk that read: Auror Academy Sign-Up Sheets.

"Oh." Said Harry in a surprised tone of voice. "Is this going to be one of those stupid reoccurring jokes? I only ask because it's really not all that funny."

No one answered his question. The rest of the group just grabbed their paper and began to fill it out. The sign-up sheet looked a little like this:

_Name:_

_Age:_

_Species:_

_Hair color:_

_Favorite Color Crayon:_

_Are you or have you ever been a Death Eater?_

_Have you had any previous training in fields of magic?_

_Do you know anyone who has had previous training in fields of magic?_

_Have you ever stood next to someone who has had previous training in fields of magic?_

_If so, was that person any good?_

_Have you ever seen actual magic being preformed?_

_Do you think all magicians need to say the words "abracadabra"?_

_Were you loved as a child?_

Etcetera and so on and so forth. The point is, our fantastic four managed to fill out the paper and were instantly taken to their first class. When they reached the class they were instantly in for a surprise.

"Professor Moody!" Ron yelled in… surprise. "Who would have thought you'd be our teacher… again!"

"It's really not that big of a surprise Ron," said Hermione evenly. "There weren't very many options. It was either going to be Moody, Tonks, Kingsly, or some OC and Merlin knows we've seen enough of those to last a lifetime."

"But why do you have to say 'Merlin knows'?" asked Ron, once again bringing up that interesting yet pointless point. "The phrase is 'God knows' and God knows that's what we should be saying. I just don't get it."

Hermione was saved from having to give a rebuttal as Moody grew impatient and began to speak.

"Take a seat you dirty, yellowbellied, wide eyed cockatudes!"

Harry, Ron, and Neville jumped out of their skins and rushed to take their seats. Hermione, however, didn't appreciate being called names and took her good sweet time.

"When did he turn into a cowboy?" she whispered into Ron's ear making him audibly giggle.

"Something funny Weasley?"

"No sir…"

"Then why are you laughing?"

"I don't know sir."

"Did I give you permission to laugh?"

"No sir…"

"Then you laughed without permission boy?"

Ron was silent.

"Well, did you?"

"Yes sir."

Moody raised his wand high over his head and brought it down with a slashing movement. There was a loud bang and everyone turned to look over at Ron. He was a parakeet.

"Constant Vigilance!" barked Moody. "If Mr. Weasley had been paying attention instead of cowering in fear, he may have been able to block my attack. But now he's a parakeet and he can't even block a rabid squirrel." Then for good measure he threw in another "Constant vigilance!"

"Aurors must be prepared for anything at anytime in anyplace with anybody anywhere at anytime! You must have reflexes better than cats, you must have a bark that could scare a cat, and a bite that could hurt a cat! This is no game kiddies! This is the real deal!"

"But I'm 45 years old," said a man in the back. Moody swiftly turned him into a penguin.

"I know some of you may have had a fake version of me in the classroom before. You know that under normal circumstances I'd be kind and gentle with you all, but this ain't no game of musical chairs! From here on out things are gonna get rough and by the time you leave here you'll be a better person for it." He paused and took a short breath. Then he smiled at his students.

"Now does anybody have any questions or objections?"

For a while it seemed as if no one was brave enough to answer him. But there was one bushy headed girl whose factorial fury could not be denied.

"Don't you think you're being a little harsh, sir?" asked Hermione after deflecting Moody's spell with a shielding charm. "I understand that you want us to be ready for anything, but randomly attacking us is going a bit far. You act as if you own us or something."

"Actually miss, I do." There was a gasp amongst the class. "Until the end of the year, you all officially belong to me."

"But that wasn't in the contract!" cried Ginny, whose presence will be acknowledged and explained later.

"I didn't see that and I even read the fine print," said Luna dreamily. (Her presence has already been explained, but soon it'll be acknowledged as well.)

"Ahhh, but you didn't read the invisible print located directly under the fine print. You probably missed the part that says you have to pay for my retirement as well."

"Invisible Print!" yelled Hermione. "Why, that's an outrage! That can't be legal."

"I'm sorry, but you gave up your right to question the legality of the contract when you signed it. That clause was under the ultraviolet print section. It's a favorite of mine."

The room was filled with groans and protests. No one was happy to be human slaves for half of the year (assuming it's July… why not?) but they all quieted down when Moody stared turning people into ostriches. He then (quite mercifully) returned everyone to their regular forms using only one spell and began to speak.

"For the next six months you will eat, breathe, sleep, bathe, and brush your teeth with defensive techniques. But not in that order! You will be subject to random attacks at any moment that I choose. But before all of this begins we're going to divide you up into groups. After that I'll give you one free night of peace, then you're all in the dog house."

He laughed at his joke. Most of the people in the room didn't recognize it as humor at all.

"You will be divided into groups of three. Each member will have a different letter and a different task. I call it the ABC's of defense. Member A is the attack expert. They'll be in charge of mounting offensive attacks against the enemy and will be considered the group leader. Member B is the belittlement coordinator. The job of this member is to throw countless insults at the enemy in order to tear them down emotionally. If you find yourself with this job, it is your duty to make the enemy feel really really bad about themselves. And last but not least, Member C: the confusion specialist. This job is probably the most important of them all. I can't count the number of times that I've been in a situation in the field where I was outnumbered, outclassed, and low self-esteemed. The only thing that got me through these times was the uncanny power of confusion. If you can't beat them, confuse them! Now everybody situate yourselves by the people you most want to work with and I'll try and make the teams based on your decisions. And remember, teams will eat, breathe, sleep, bathe, and brush their teeth together for the next six months… and get your minds out of the gutter!"

Instead of getting their minds out of the gutter, everyone scrambled to find partners and sit by the people they would like to brush their teeth with (if you know what I mean).

"Don't sit by each other," said Hermione to Ron, Neville, and Harry. "He'll only separate us. I know it."

So the golden trio (plus Neville) scattered to the four corners of the room as Moody began to make the teams. It turned out that Hermione was right. Everyone who sat together found themselves on completely different teams. Luckily for our heroes it all worked out for the better. Harry, Ron, and Hermione wound up on the same team and so did Neville, Ginny, and Luna.

"Potter!" barked Moody harshly. "You'll be member A for your team. Granger, you're member B and Weasley, you're member C."

"Other Weasley!" he growled. "You'll be member A for your group. Longbottom, you're member B and Lovegood, you're member C."

Everyone that mattered seemed pleased enough with their set up (especially Neville since he now had a chance to rekindle the fires of love with Luna).

"Your homework for the night is to find your rooms. They're located in a maze on the first basement floor of the building. Class dismissed."

As the three amigos desperately searched for their room only one word was stuck in Harry's mind. _Ginny! Why are you here?_

Ok, it was five words. Five words and a question mark.


End file.
